Finding My Rhythm: Healing, Leading, Becoming

The Public Father, The Private Void — Emotional Abuse Behind Closed Doors

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He looked like the perfect father on Sundays.

At church, he would hold the children tightly by the hand, lift them high, and beam at passersby as if to say, Look at me. Look at this beautiful family I lead. People would smile. Compliment. Admire.

But when the doors closed behind us at home, he disappeared.

Feeding them. Bathing them. Holding them when they cried. That was my job. If they had a tantrum in public, he would jerk them close and hiss corrections through clenched teeth. No tears. No whining. No “unpleasant” behavior was allowed. And if they reached for me, wanted me instead of him, he would snap at me later—accusing me of making them prefer me. As if their need for comfort was some betrayal he had to punish.

He wasn’t involved in the day-to-day parenting. But when we were out, he claimed them. Possessed them. Not out of love—but for control. And when they clung to me, as they always did, it enraged him.

I never tried to pull them from him. I never tried to make them love me more. But children know. They know who listens. Who soothes. Who protects.

The confusing part? At first, it felt like he was helping. In the chaos of motherhood, any effort from your partner can feel like a gift. But it wasn’t help. It was performance.

And it left me questioning everything. Was I overreacting? Misunderstanding?

No.

I was experiencing emotional abuse masked as family life. And it made me feel like I was losing my mind.

Insight and Validation:

Emotional abuse often hides in subtle dynamics—control, isolation, gaslighting—and can be harder to recognize than physical abuse.

  • According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
    • Nearly 50% of U.S. women have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner.
    • Emotional abuse often precedes physical abuse and may escalate over time.
  • Emotional abuse in parenting dynamics includes:
    • Undermining a co-parent’s bond with the children.
    • Using children as tools of control.
    • Performing good parenting in public while neglecting or manipulating in private.

The confusion and anxiety you feel are real. Emotional abuse is real—even if no one else sees it.

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Welcome

I’m so glad you’re here.

I spent years living behind a perfect picture — smiling for the world while quietly losing myself behind closed doors.

This space is where I finally tell the truth. About emotional abuse that left no visible bruises. About gaslighting, fear, loneliness — and about the long, slow work of healing.

If you’re walking through your own fog, know this: your memory matters. Your feelings matter. You are not alone.

I’m sharing my journey to reclaim my voice, my story, and my life — one honest word at a time.

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This is the exact moment that you learn one of the most difficult things there is to learn in life: just because someone does something to mistreat us doesn’t mean we stop loving them; there isn’t such a thing as an on/off switch.

You think, he doesn’t touch me, he only breaks things, its only the wall, he’s really only hurting himself, what he’s throwing at me are only words, he’s only calling me names, he only lies, he only yells, this could be worse, this isn’t too bad. You’re wrong. Just because it’s a lighter shade of blue doesn’t mean it’s not blue. And just because you don’t know how to associate love without pain, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist without. – Unknown Author

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